F.R.I.E.N.D.S

7 Signs of unhealthy friendships:

Instead of blaming others as ‘toxic’, a more healthy question might be, what makes a relationship unhealthy?

1. One person does all the talking.

Some of us are more naturally talkers than the other, and introverts are attracted to chatty extroverts. But if you do need to talk, is the other person able to shut up and listen? Of course listening is more than about words. Sometimes listening means a hug, or just sitting in silence together.

2. There is an unequal balance of giving/taking.

We all go through rough patches where we need a lot of support, so it’s normal for their to be periods where one friend does the taking and the other the giving. But if the taker is never available to be a giver, then there is a problem, or even a co-dependency issue.

3. There are no differences between you.

Think a good friendship means you are like ‘peas in a pod’? Not at all. No two people are alike, and if there is never any difference it’s likely that one person is working to please the other, or one is subtly controlling.

4. There is never any conflict.

Conflict is normal and healthy. We have differences of opinions that rise up. It’s only the way we deal with it that can be unhealthy. If there is never any disagreement between you, again, someone isn’t being honest or feeling able to be themselves.

5. There is a lot of criticism, or ‘jokes’ at one person’s expense.

Look, we all say things we regret now and then. But if one person is constantly putting the other down, even if it’s hidden in ‘jokes’, then its’ not friendship. It’s verbal abuse.

6. Boundaries aren’t respected -- or don’t exist.

Do you have some things your friend can’t or can’t do, that you’ve made clear, and that he or she respects? For example, no bringing up a difficult experience in your past, no talking about you when you aren’t there? If you don’t have boundries or they are always stepped over, time to have a talk.

7. You are always on eggshells.

Can’t be yourself around the other person without causing upset? Feel you always have to be careful what you say or do? Anxious and stressed when around them? Tired and drained when you get home? Remember, friendship means you can relax and be yourself. If that isn't possible, then a friendship can’t work.

Are friendships forever?

No, not all friendships are forever. We all grow and change in life. To stay friends we need to keep the same values, and grow in ways the other person can accept. If this isn’t possible, if one of you is taking a new direction that the other isn’t comfortable with, it might be time to wish each other well and let go.

“True friendship means accepting people as they are, flaws and all. And it means taking your part of the responsibility for any issue.”